The Den o'Iniquity

This makes twice that I've managed to accidentally delete unfinished posts. Thankfully this one wasn't as long or emotionally tortuous as last time but the loss still rankles since I had been on particularly erudite form. To cut a long story short - since it is now 5 to 2 and I need to retreat to my nest of filth for circadian nourishment, I was trying to say that I've realised that I've started a new year at Leeds and feel like I haven't really gone forward at all. I left under a cloud with very little hint of a silver lining. All the thoughts of endless potential - nourished by my badly beaten ego in the one area of my self that wasn't barren ground - withering in the cold winter of crushed expectations and lost chances. I was also taciturnly brooding on my usual subject though with an unusual conclusion, one brought to me by unwelcome truths. For this I have to thank Tommy, one of the few people who I would say have really close to truly understanding me without losing what few tender strands of sanity still cling on over the side of the precipice of incipient madness. But trying vainly to stick to the point here, the conclusion I came to was that it was futile to continue blaming my condition and the world at large for my solitude when I keep on actively diminishing my chances. For al that anyone will say to the contrary I know better than most what messages I'm sending by choosing to dress the way I do and what my actions and habits mean for my chances of meeting anyone. I'm never going to meet anyone hanging around in spoons and our other old haunts with all the old cronies driving away strangers and never once lifting my glances outside our darkened sphere. Simply put I'm not trying hard enough myself, to blame anyone else. The really sad thing is that I had a dream a couple of days ago that I wished I had nevr awoken from. As the dream faded I knew that I was dreaming, yet the mere promise of an end to my loneliness in an unreal world was more satisfying than the certainty of waking up alone again in the real world. The thought occurred me to me, awaking into my empty cell that If I had die in my sleep I would have been happier.
Oh well, it seems that even this attempt at brevity has succumbed to what must be a wave of verbosity tonight. Once this would have been the kind of time at which I would write really depressing poetry, but that is just one more shred of most potential. Another lost fragment of the time when it seemed like the world beckoned, that even if I was a sad loser now I would someday be standing astride the summit.
Well this has been another jolly stroll down the paranoid corridors of mind, but sadly I must retire to my bed, there to sleep and dream of what might once have been.
The T.

There's a lot that I could blog that has happened recently but as yet I don't feel quite ready. However given that I'm a bit late on this I will post the shortlist from HWR and announce for anybody who wasn't there what the winner was.
If you want the whole misbegotten list, then quite frankly you can bite my ass, I'm too lazy to take the time to scribe every single entry.

Hitler's washroom regrets Luke 1
Hitler wanted recognition Aaron 2
Hitler whistled Rawhide Darren 3
Hitler went rimming Luke 4
Hitler, wallaby rocker Darren 5
Hitler went rollerskating Kitton 6
Hitler was raped Manuel 7
Hitler's wheat release Luke / me 8
Hitler won at rummy Manuel 9
Hitler - winter ruined Manuel 10
Hitler wasn't racialist Luke 11
Hitler worked. Re-examine. Aaron 12
Hitler, woefully risible Luke 13
Hitler's wacky recidivism Dev 14
Hitler wanted Ringo Darren 15
Hitler's wrecked Reich Aaron 16
Hitler was a Rabbi Luke / Darren 17

his makes tweedy the eventual winner and gives the following placing ranks:

Luke 6 places at an average of 9th
Darren 4 places at an average of 10th
Manuel 3 places avg placing 8th
Aaron 3 places avg placing 10th
Kitton 1 place avg placing 6th
Dev 1 place avg placing 14th

A good showing for all. At this point I would like to say sorry to ms. Salter for none of hers making the list. However, this is a very, partial, subjective and biased list and I make no attempt to claim otherwise. Anyways, enjoy. The T

P.S. for any of those interested the 2 compos: candidates for the papacy and hitler's career in porn are now running.

P.P.S. Hitler Porno entries must take the form of Porno film titles and pope candidates can be either fictional characters of repute or real people alive or dead.

Competition is now closed to web entries as of 7 PM BST Today. Thanking you. The T.

Compo update - prize found:


The winner will be announced when we arrive at the restaurant.
I and I alone will be judging since I put the prize and it's my website and my compo, but I can say now that I won't be winning.

The T

I seem to be on something of a blog roll tonight so I'm just going to go with it. Since I'm now down two webcomics now that aikida is gone and return to sender is on hiatus and since the guy who writes elftor is really lazy I'm almost webcomicless without s*p. Therefore I am taking the unwise step of inviting all to suggest possible new replacement webcomics.
Unwisely cheerful T

For those of you who haven't already stormed out of my blog in disgust I have a competition! Fill in the following acronym: Hitler W. R.

Current entries : Hitler was randy (me)
Hitler was rocking (me again)
Hitler was a rastafarian (still me)
Hitler was real (kitton)

current frontrunner: Hitler went rollerskating (godly kitton)

the winner will be announced on kitton day and will recieve a real honest to god prize.
The T out

I know I'm going to get a load of shit, but frankly I'm beyond caring> I'm not sure who I'm saying this to, but I really feel that I need to say if I'm going to feel like there's any point in me coming back to Newcastle to see you guys again.
Anyways on a less acrimonious note, Aikida has now passed and soon I will take down the link. Like an old and frail relative, Aikida had been suffering for some time now, and perhaps this is simply euthanasia. The multiple relaunches and new plot line shad failed and the updates become irregular. However Aikida will always have a place in my heart as my first favourite webcomic. Thank you, Fenris for Brad the Mind flayer and the talking whisky bottle. Go now sweet Aikida and flutter your sweet wings in Geek heaven.

Aikida
R.I.P.
2001 -2003

I feel the need to blog again so soon (despite lack of responses) due to recent events. In short I'm really pissed off about yesterday, in this I feel for once (and given that I have doubts about pretty everything this is important) totally justified. I am trying to approach this with as much equanimity as possible so I am currently reading s*p and listening to disco but I fear that this will not likely stop me being incandescent with irritation. I also realise that you'll not all guilty and that some of you may have tried to rectify the situation, I can't speak to that I don't know what went on or why I can only speak to it effects.
Aaron took a lot of time to organise a time that we could all get together and you guys fuck off with out so much as a peep or attempt to contact us or Dev, then when we arrive you make no attempt to talk to us and then leave very quickly all en masse. If you'd been expressly trying to make him feel alienated I don't think you could have done better. I'd think that when one us is having some problems, people could have the decency to act with a little bit of fucking consideration.
To go through the tawdry mess in detail, I actually PROPOSED going to the Cluny, me renowned not-great-liker of the Cluny. I proposed first off that we go clunying. Since some people wanted to go to spoons I proposed a vote, which went the way of spoons. If you people wanted to go to Cluny you could have voted, raising your hand isn't that fricking hard. Nor did you ask for a chance to vote again in the intervening several minutes before me Aaron, Dev and Manuel went off to do pre - pub things. I can't speak for them but I know that if people had voted for Cluny I would have gone to the Cluny. Now while we were going I (as well as Aaron) personally said "I'll see you at spoons" several times, Now maybe this is just me but I think this is pretty damn clear and unambiguous. After we'd gone to Aaron’s so he could sort stuff out we met Dev who'd been to the bank. He too thought we were meeting at spoons and had found no-one there. Now since I wanted to believe that you were just slow and hadn't actually all fucked off we went back to spoons and searched the entire place. By the time we'd given up and set off towards the Cluny Dev had to go home, having just wasted a whole heap of time trying to find you feckless uncommunicative morons. By this Aaron was pretty pissed off but I talked him into coming to the pub with me and Manuel (who shrugs your shit off like a saint to his credit) hoping that there would an innocent no battery/ phone at home / no signal / no credit explanation. But no, when I get to the Cluny what do I hear you could have phoned? I did! Multiple Fucking Times! Nick 2 or 3 times owl 2 times also. Did anyone say sorry or make an effort to make it up to us? Not as far as I could see. Only mister Denis (who I feel is probably not to blame here) made an effort to talk to us once we'd had to sit down at a different table and we did have a cool conversation. Nobody tried to integrate the two groups. Then once we hadn't been there for very long (all still on first beer) you guys all left en masse leaving us on our own again.
Now I know that people are going to say that I shouldn't get so angry about this stuff, but if I don't in all likelihood no-one will and I think many of you would not seriously consider the said events again. More importantly I shouldn't have to keep doing this, you're supposed to be my fucking friends, I could take this from some of the fucks from our school but you people are supposed to be my friends and you're supposed to be Aaron’s, Dev's, and Manuel's friends too. Why couldn't someone have taken the time to think - "hmm they've gone off somewhere we want to go to the Cluny why don't we TELL THEM?" It feels like it's always me who tells people about this stuff it's me who finds out where people are where they're late or goes to find them when we change our plans. More than that it feels like it's me who tries to fix the problems in our miscreant group. I think if I hadn't brought the whole nick fiasco to a head it would have boiled a while longer and ended a lot worse with way more entrenched bitterness. If it's me doing the fucking coping in this group what the hell does it say about some of us? I am clinically bad at this! Now you can say I have patterns and I do but that doesn't make this any easier for me than it is for you. Until anyone has lived in my head please don't patronise me by saying that this isn't hard for me too. So if I can try and sort this shit out and can remember to check others why the fuck can't some of you?

I'm a bit ill at the mo, so you may not see me for a bit. I should however be at the following gatherings even if only briefly.

Pierapes of the caribbean Tues 9th Sept 2:30 PM Warner's

Kitton Day Sat 13th 7 PM house o' kittons

Also read this, be elucidated then go yay* : http://www.eff.org/~barlow/Declaration-Final.html

The T don't feel so good.

*Please dedicate all yays to kitton as a finder's fee.

Since my phone was nicked on monday night along with my simcard if anyone gave me their numbers in the last 18 months it's gone. Can people e-mail me their numbers to mister_t@ballsofsteel.co.uk if they don't want to post them on webness which is sensible. Also if anyone has numbers for aaron, platt, langley, dev and anyone else who probs won't see this could they send them as well. Cheers
While I'm here I had a very enjoyable night at foundation with tommy, lucy, barney etc which is why I'm still quite hungover. Before anyone bitches at me verbally or mentally for not inviting them, I'll say this. I've proposed going clubbing multiple times at the pub over the summer and no-one ever acceded, so don't blame me for not inviting people who I thought would ay no so we could form a gheeto group in the corners and you could leave early. I've missed going clubbing since Leaving leeds. Since I don't go on my own and as I wasn't going to venture into the wasteland of the human soul that is bajah beach club with kaye and wheeler things have been a bit flat for me in Newcastle. Anyways, The T out.

I need to get into the habit of actually blogging when an idea hits me, instead of reading s*p for 3 hours while listening to my playlist. Oh well. Thanks to the miracle of video-recording I managed to enjoy 3 godly hours of sleep from 9 to midnight without mssing my TV fix. If I'd considered this ealier I could actually of lived my dream of proper sleep cycling during the holidays. Mmmmmm sleep cycling.
The dodds link to barbelith re: computer game sentience is actually really interesting and I highly recommend that you all at least read it, if not actually post as I did.
If stoker or kitton sees this, I'm sorry I was pissy when you were coming by my house to go to the moor, but people need to remember that I'm not actually " a really positive person" whatever mr denis says. I'm actually a depressive fatalist who hates seeing people and sunlight and has all the mental scars to prove it. Do I really need to go into my childhood - memory blocking - depression and my 18 months in therapy? Just as an aside it's only fairly recently that it hasn't always been that when I see a metro train coming I feel like throwing myself in front of it. I'm deadly serious here. I'm not some kind of happy clappy smiler here, the only reason I smile is because I like you people and I know everything could be way worse and I'm not about to share my unhappiness with you lot thus bringing you down. I already spent years poisoning other people's happiness and it's not something I'm proud of. Anyways, quit bugging me about being an optimist or I'll do this again and again. The T, out.